I Hooked Up With A Good Guy Friend...Now What???

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 03:30:00 GMT

Hey guys. I just discovered this site and after reading some blogs, decided I should post a personal story. Please read and give me advice...I really need it! But let me warn you, this is a loooong story and I apologize. I hope you find it interesting though.

So, I met this guy who I will refer to as Blake, four years ago. I was a junior in high school and he was a senior. We were in the same english class and in January, we were given assigned seats across from each other at the same table. In the beginning, I never really thought much about him and it's hard to remember any conversations we had. Gradually after several weeks, we began talking and soon developed a friendship. In mid March our school had spring break and when we came back to school, I realized that I had feelings for Blake. We talked every class and one day he asked me for my screen name. We began talking online, sometimes for several hours. At the end of the school year, we began hanging out. We went to restaurants, the park and the movies. At this point, I really liked him a lot, but in fear of ruining our friendship, I said and did nothing about it. Blake graduated from high school and we continued hanging out over the summer.

Time passed and it was time for him to go to college. We still spoke occasionally on the phone and frequently over instant messanger. One day on AIM, Blake told me that he "had a big crush on me in high school." I was floored! Unless I'd completely ignored all of his signs, I had had no idea! I told him that I had a crush on him too. He responded by saying "Damn" and then "I have to go now" and signed off quickly. We never spoke of this conversation again, but I never forgot it. All throughout his freshman year of college, when Blake would come home on breaks, we would hang out. Finally, it was time for me to graduate from high school. Blake and I continued to hang out that summer before I went to college. We had a great time and my feelings for him only grew. I wanted to let him know how I felt about him, but I got scared and didn't say anything.

At the end of the summer, I went off to college. Blake's school was in-state, while mine was eight hours away. We talked online quite a bit at the beginning of my freshman year. He planned on making the long drive to visit me second semester. As time went by, we began talking less. It turned out that Blake got a girlfriend. He mentioned that he had a girlfriend once during an AIM conversation. He never came to visit me that year. Throughout the rest of my freshman through second semester of my sophmore year, we did not speak or see each other. Not for any reason in particular, I just think we were busy in our own worlds. I did find out that Blake and his girlfriend broke up after about 10 months of dating.

During the second semester of my sophmore year, I was on AIM and I saw that Blake was too. I imed him and we had a nice conversation. He was studying abroad in Spain. We had another AIM conversation while he was in Spain. I asked him to send me a postcard. He did. He wrote that he wanted to hang out with me when he returned to the United States in the summer. Unfortunately, I decided to take summer classes for the whole summer. We spoke several times online over the summer and they were good conversations. He told me that he missed me. They made me miss him, but at this point, I'd told myself it was a bad idea to like him. It just seemed pointless and unfair to me.

I finished summer classes and came home. I was going to be home for three weeks, then I would be leaving to study abroad in Italy. Blake and I made plans to hang out. When I saw him for the first time in two years, I decided that I was no longer attracted to him. His hairline was receeding! This may make me sound like a judgmental and shallow person, but trust me, I'm not. I was sort of happy because I thought I would finally be free of liking him for once and for all. We went to lunch, then went to his house to watch t.v. During the car ride to lunch, he said something like, "Have you ever come to my college?" After 20 minutes I realized he was hinting that I should come visit him. We hung out a couple days later, going to the movies, then a couple days later, going to the mall. That was going to be the last time we saw each other, but on the car ride back to my house, I asked Blake if I could visit him that weekend at school. He said yes. By that time, I realized my feelings were coming back.

That Friday, I made the drive to his school. Before I go on with this story, I must mention this: we have never hung out with anyone else besides each other. We've never met any of each others friends. This was a new experience for us. I got to his house and one of his roommates, George, was there. Blake and I went out to dinner with George and his girlfriend, Kelly. I have always been pretty shy around Blake (because I liked him) and I was sufficiently awkward the entire time and I didn't talk much. I was also so nervous that I couldn't finish my food. We went to the grocery store to pick up some beer. We returned to their house where we began drinking and playing card drinking games. One of Blake and George's friends, Trey showed up (with weed). Everyone wanted to go out to a party, so before leaving, we all smoked a little, then left.

We got to the party and Blake found some of his friends. He introduced me to them and we hung out there for a while. It felt like only 30 minutes passed and Blake was saying we should head home. On the walk back, we were alone. I began opening up and I apologized for being so awkward and shy at dinner. I told him that I get shy around him. He told me that he gets shy around me. We were holding hands. At one point, I remember I really wanted to kiss him, but restrained myself because I knew better.

Well, we got back to his house and I went to use the bathroom. He went to his bedroom. I walked into his bedroom and he was already in bed with the lights out. His laptop was on and music was playing. My original plan was to sleep on the floor (I even brought a blanket and pillow with me!) but being the drunken, tired person that I was, I got in bed with him without thinking. However, I did stay to the edge of the bed, not facing him. This part is kind of blurry, but I asked him why his music was on, and he said it was a peaceful playlist to help him go to sleep. I said something jokingly like, "I'm going to get up and turn it off." He grabbed me (kind of like a hug) to stop me from getting up and then I turned around facing him. We began making out. Soon Blake got up and turned off his laptop, then got back in bed with me. We ended up hooking up...but wait! It's not that simple.

While we were hooking up, he told me that he didn't want to have sex. I was unsure of how to interpret that, but my best conclusion is: he knew we were drunk and it wouldn't be a good idea for us to have sex (especially for the first time) in that state. And he's a good guy. Also, shortly after that, I was thinking in my head, "I don't want things to be awkward between us in the morning" so instead of saying that, what came out was, "I don't want this to affect our friendship." This was NOT AT ALL what I meant!!! I would've loved for it to affect our friendship in a positive way! He just said, "It doesn't have to if you don't want it to." Then at the end of it all, he told me I was a good kisser!

So, the next morning, I made things quite awkward. I didn't want to look at him and I didn't know how to react. I was scared that our friendship was over and that I ruined it. I could tell he wanted to talk, but I wasn't in any state to discuss what happened. When he walked me out of his house when I was leaving, he said, "I guess we should talk more often." But I left without us having a talk. I could not stop thinking about what happened between us for a week straight. It consumed me and I was in shock. Never had I imagined this happening. He did IM me, a few days after the hook up but we didn't talk about it. I had to leave for Italy in a week (yeah, bad timing) so I texted him and asked him to call me before I left. He called me immediately after I sent the text. Again, we did not mention hooking up. I went to Italy, and we emailed a bit in the first couple weeks I was there, then it stopped. I tried to put him out of my mind. It wasn't easy, but being across the Atlantic helped a lot.

After my return, I knew we needed to talk. During my semester abroad I decided that I liked him and wanted to let him know, then take things from there. This was all a lot easier said than done. I texted him, "Merry Christmas" and he texted back. Then a few days later, he texted me, "How was Christmas." We arranged to go to the mall, since I always helped him shop for clothes over breaks. I was planning on telling him, but when we met up, I knew it wasn't going to happen. We were both sort of awkward as we nervously fumbled with things in stores and he would not give me direct eye contact. I tried to seem cool and collected, which I think I did a pretty good job of, but inside I was a wreck.

A week after our mall trip, the whole situation was eating me up inside. I had to tell him for once and for all about my feelings. I called him and left a message asking him to call me back. He was back at school at this point. We ended up having a conversation about what happened, but it didn't go where I wanted it to. I ended up telling him, not that I liked him, but that I didn't want things to affect our friendship (blehh! not true!!). He passed off the whole thing as happening because we were drunk, but I honestly think he was just saying that because of what I said about the friendship thing. I mean, in essence, I rejected him, right? He thinks I just want to be friends, which is not true, so he didn't want to make it seem like wanted something more if I didn't. Now I want him to know that I like him. We haven't spoken since then, so now I figure I have nothing to lose if I just tell him, which I am planning to do in person, this summer.

I am super nervous and worried about being rejected, but I know I will always regret not saying anything. I mean, I already am. I think about him daily and I can't stop. I don't know how he feels about me, but I know I will be hurt if he says he's not interested or doesn't like me back. I know I must sound pathetic in this whole story, but I am not good with guys when it comes to expressing emotions and feelings. I need to do this, but I would like your advice, comments and insight on the situtation.

Am I pathetic? Should I just forget about Blake and move on? If Blake liked me, would he have let me know by now? Why didn't Blake ever try to contact me on his own/bring up the hook up? Why haven't we spoken since January of this year? Should I say what I feel in person, or write and give him a letter expressing these things? These are just some of the questions that keep popping up in my head. Any comments would be GREATLY appreciated, so thanks in advance and thanks for taking the time to help me out.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 02:02:02 GMT

Hi everyone! I'm just getting started on Datingish... Drop me a comment if you've got some ideas on what to do first - or just to say, "Hi!"

kendallgrl8's Datingish

I Hooked Up With A Good Guy Friend...Now What???

Friday, April 17, 2009